boy wearing gray vest and pink dress shirt holding book

Everything you need to know about self-appointed experts

The expert says you and I have to know
How to do this or that
In ten easy steps, just rinse and repeat
We’ll be online aristocrats
It will be easy, just follow the steps
We’ll soon have the process down pat
And then we will be instantaneously free
And never again will we fall flat
We’ll be productive, and we’ll attract success
If we just copy cat
The steps that have been prescribed for us
In this convenient checklist format

But then in the really fine print we read
This is just a course outline
And if we really want to have lasting success
If we really do want to shine
We must sign up for the full course at once
And complete the pre-work assigned
That’ll be a few thousand dollars please
Pay in advance and don’t whine
The author is a self-appointed expert
In post-modern human lifestyle design
Who will tell us just what we need
Once you sign on that old dotted line

It doesn’t matter that the technique involved
Has never even been tried
By the blogger who said that he took the course
But in his testimonial lied
Because he knew that no one would ever check
To make sure he had applied
The techniques to really test them out
And make sure that they could provide
The results that were promised to those who paid
And all the benefits implied
You see, he had an affiliate connection that paid
A commission for all clicks applied
So it didn’t matter, not one little bit
That the course was not certified

So you and I pay to get platitudes
Through the course of four or five days
We get lots of tried and true bromides
And a dose of classic clichés
I know how you feel and what you are thinking
As I catch your tortured gaze
We paid champagne dollars for a plastic cup
Of watered-down yellow Kool-aid
Now no one wants to publicly admit
They’ve been had in such a big way
So to make ourselves feel better about
The lousy choice we have made
We’ll tell the world how much we learned
And sing the self-styled expert’s praise

And that’s exactly what the guru expects
It’s all a part of the scam
He finishes the course with a couple of jokes
And one or two more diagrams
Then the guru plays his part to a “T”
As he gives you a final exam
Ambiguous questions with no wrong replies
Just another part of the sham
And he has a Cheshire Cat grin on his face
As he finishes up his program
And awards everyone a certificate from
The University of Flimflam
Then shakes our hands like a celebrity
As we try to smile for the cam

He’ll go on to make a shitload of cash
From fools just like you and me
Who are desperate enough to believe his hype
And willingly pay the fee
There are clearly enough desperate fools in the world
And it’s clear there will always be
To provide the self-appointed gurus
With a stream of enrollees
They only have to screw you once
And this is really the key
If the cost of the scam is large enough
You won’t expose the treachery
Because no one wants the world to know
Of their spectacular stupidity

SR

Thanks for stopping by! You honor me with your time.

I hope you enjoy your sojourn ‘off the beaten path.’

Stay as long as you like.

When you leave, no matter what else you do,

‘Live the story you want to tell.’

And come back soon!

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